Finding love to me was promised, as it should be to all good women. I knew there would be a time that love would come. I just hoped that I would be ready to acknowledge it, accept it and reciprocate the love. My body was telling me that change was coming. I was growing tired of the dating, the self-indulgent narcissist’s, and the boring conversations with men that I had no real interest in. Although I enjoyed the trips, elegant dinners and parties. The offering of dick on a daily basis becomes somewhat loathsome. My heart was ready to welcome something with more substance. Something that I could feel and enjoy and know that it would be there for the good and the bad of me. I was ready to share my life and not protect it so much from what I longed for. There was no way I could prepare for the moment until it happens. I just knew that one day it would arrive, like an unopened letter in the mail. It would be up to me to open it and explore what was inside. Once inside I would find all things that I desired in a man. My other half. It would happen like a well-orchestrated song. It will fill my soul, and add to my happiness and complete my greatness, because he too will have dreams to accomplish. He would be mine and I would be his and there would not be enough words to express what we would mean to each other. There would be love, there will be understanding, trust and admiration for our differences. Two complete people becoming whole as one. That’s what I want, that’s what I deserve, and that is what I have coming, I know it, I feel it and I am ready.
I was getting on the Bart to San Francisco to go to work. I was running late and I could not even blame it on the train because it is always on time. I was frustrated that last night I had spent most of the night catching up on TV shows. I rarely watch TV, but this night required a bottle of wine and my DVR. It was also my time to relax, but damn, as soon as I sat down I went into a coma and woke up late from the start. As I zeroed in on a seat, I bumped into what appeared to be a body. When I looked up, I was completely caught off guard by what I saw. It was a man. But not just any man, he was amazing. He was a very well dressed man, with a nice watch and shoe’s. His hair was low-cut with a razor sharp 5 0’clock beard that covered his strong jawline. He had the eyes of a warrior, very sharp and stern, yet gentle. His face sent chills down my back and left me speechless, my eyes locked in on his and I went somewhere and when I came back he was still there saying, ‘Excuse me, I am sorry”. How many times had he said that before I came back from my small trip? My cool had been tested and turned off. I felt like some little girl who was completely intimidated by a crush. I managed to say, “Oh, no problem, do you want the seat?” He said, “Of course not, it’s yours, but do you mind if I stand here by you, this train is crowded, not much wiggle room”, he said. And then he smiled. Oh my gawd! His teeth were white as the driven snow and they were all his. Jackpot! Where did this man come from? How was he here in my space? I removed my eyes from his and I sat down, completely frozen. I had to regain my composure. I had to pretend like I was not moved by what just happened, so I started to do something with my cell phone, look in my date book, act busy or something. It was like I forgot how to use my cell phone and I dropped it. Fumbled! What the fuck! He quickly picked it up, he was watching me, I could feel him watching me and it made me sweat. “Thank you”, I said. “What’s your name? I thought I heard him ask what my name was, but I ignored him until he asked it again. “What’s your name?” Oh um Lola, as if I forgot or something. “My name is Justin, nice to meet you”. “Yes, nice to meet you too”. I was cheesing way too much. Calm down, he is just a man. A man that has just rendered my ass helpless. I had no control over what he was doing to me and I had not even so much as touched him yet. “You work in the city?” he asked. “Yes, I work for the city in the city, yeah in the city”. What the fuck was happening to my brain, why was I repeating shit. Oh my god, he’s going to think I am some idiot. “I work in the city as well, I am a lawyer”. “Oh, ok I said, well this is my stop, hope you have a great day, it was nice meeting you”. I ran off the train, two stops early. What the hell was my problem? I was running already. I was denying myself a chance at something and for the first time I was afraid of what I was feeling. I left him looking confused, and wanting to talk more, but I could not entertain this man. I was not as ready as I had claimed to be.
