“Single Until Further Notice”
It was important for me to be single because I had issues! Real life, real fucking issues! Point, blank period! Yes, I can admit that because I am ok with being perfectly imperfect.
I had issues that needed to be addressed through self love, honesty and then growth. I have always been very aware of my existence. Although I have often tried to immulate the love I needed as a child through other areas, like over compensating, valuing material things, and being overly independent, those “things” did not fill that hole in my life. No matter what you are missing, it always comes out in one form or another, and if you never address it, it becomes a lingering unfulfilled desire. It does not go away.
“When I became an adult, I decided to no longer blame, but seek truth. My happiness, my way of living, my joy is and has always been my responsibility, so I claimed it.”
Often we are consumed by outside sources, the expectation of what our parents, friends, society wants for us or what they believe is best for us. Some people fall into that trap because they are afraid of what people will think, or what things “look” like. Do you know how many people are living the life that someone else wants for them? False identity becomes their truth. I have never been one to let the experiences of others determine how I should live my life. It’s my life, what works for you may not work for me, hence my decision to post pone marriage. There is a freedom of being, a freedom of accepting yourself and loving what you see. It makes you shine.
There have been moments in my life that supported my decision to wait; a broken engagement, death, and just plain not being ready, have all been things that helped put me on pause. I’ve never been like the average, typical woman, who felt marriage was the goal of my life. I looked at it as an option and not a necessity. Plus, I had a lot of questions. For instance, why is the divorce rate at 50%,? Why do they fail? What is the real reason people are getting married? Is anyone really ready? Is it just for the title of husband and wife? And why are married people cheating like crazy? Is it just about finding a person who can deal with your shit?
My overthinking was getting the best of me. One thing I did know is if you go into any kind of relationship and you are not on one accord with the other person, you are bound to have problems for a long time. And besides men take so long to grow up, Who has the patience to wait? Along with my search for answers, I also found my fear. I did not want to fail at marriage. I am very clear about who I am, my worth, and what it is I can exchange with a man. I also was too focused on what I didn’t want in a marriage, which also contributed, fueled and validated my lack of interest. It’s not like I had great role models; five aunties, (plus my mother) all divorced, some twice. Then I changed my thinking and focused on what I wanted. Maybe deep down in the abyss of my soul trapped in a former life I wanted to be married. Pretending like I didn’t attracted one marriage, an annulment and two more proposals. Yes, I think I can do this!
Learning self is the greatest freedom. Learning to trust yourself and follow what you believe can be a lonely road. Living your own life and never letting anyone determine your future. It takes courage to do your own thing. But always remember, it’s your life! I would never impose how I live onto someone else, but people do it all the time. They also try to make you feel like something is wrong with you because you haven’t did what they have done or followed their plan for you. Get over yourself! Everyone does not come here under the same program, we all have our specific journeys. Some people want you to buy into their bullshit and when you don’t, they get mad, really? Your opinion only matters if I accept what you think about me as my truth and honey, I don’t.
So as my journey continues into another phase of my life, I welcome the unknown. I welcome sharing this adventure, with my best friend, lover and confidant. Although being single has its perks, it’s important that you recognize, accept and change your shit, if necessary, before you join with another. There is nothing greater than taking a ride on a roller coaster of life with someone who you love and trust………I am ready.
LL Walton, Author Blogger Podcaster
Twitter: LLWriter
Instagram: llwaltonauthor
Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/5OqxfkNEbnOgiaeVfbwrmB
Photo credit: Jennifer Yeo (book with the same name.)
