When You Love His Toxic Nature
I will begin by saying that not all men that break your heart, rearrange your thought process and leave you emotionally dead are toxic men; I am joking. Of course they are toxic. It does not matter what they look like, their economic background, suits or timberlands; a man who intentionaly breaks your heart is indeed a toxic person. But, why in the process of it all, do we fall heavily for these charming little devils.
I guess my issue was the excitment of it all. The intense energy that passes throught the two of us was undeniable. His toxic nature laced with intelligence, or the appearane of, is what has drew me in. I knew I could fix his issues and he confirmed that I could. But, not before he took me for a ride. I mean, I just knew I could fix this motherfucker, but he was a professional in this game and I was just the apprentice. The instability, the I-dont -give-a-fuck-attitude are all the things that kept me turned on and then off, when the shit became a habit. And oh the sex! I allowed him inside where he created water falls on demand. He was the Man! And I was in quick sand, sinking into an illusionary existence, one that was painted pretty. I fell in love with unfounded desires, empty feelings conjured up by real emotions.
I guess my wake up call was when I noticed him moving on to another. The lies became more obvious, because he didn’t care anymore. The complaning, because what he used to love, he hated now. The judging, because the perfection he used to love, is flawed now. The texting, because now she is requiring his attention. The calls that he must answer because he has told her he’s single. The secret shit was no longer secret and could not be ignored.
I looked at the sorry excuse for an human, yet alone a man and decided that not even his dick was worth savaging. I had to let that little devil go. I guess he already knew of his upcoming expiration date because his attitude changed. I think they always know when the gig is up.
You have to think, for a man to go around breaking hearts, misleading emotions and doing it all in the name of love must be hurting himself and is in desperate need of love. I often try to put my self in the place of another person in order to understand them. Not to excuse their actions, but to understand why they do what they do, per say. But even with that understanding there must be accountability. Because doing something hurtful intentionally over and over again, will only create the avenue for it to happen to you. Until you feel what you’ve been giving out, your lesson will not be learned.
We all are here to learn from our lessons, and to not become bitter when someone is not who they say they are. Take a closer look at yourself and undrstand why they were able to get so close in the first place.
And when they return.
I almost love it when they return. I mean only a fool would try to check on me weeks, months or years later after you’ve broken my heart. But they do. Pretending to want to relight the candle that they so willingly blew out. Don’t fall for it. They are testing the ground for another round of fuckery. And most of the time, it’s just to check the ground on having sex. Or maybe it didn’t work out with New Nancy or he received his karma and he feels compelled to apologize, I don’t know. Whatever the case for his return, stand your ground and think, do I really need this lesson again?
LL Walton, Author Blogger & Podcaster
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